World Suicide Prevention Day

Quite a few years ago I sat in an olive green Vauxhall car on some cliffs in north Norfolk, it was raining. I was determined to drive through the flimsy knee-high wooden barrier over the top.

I was convincing myself that this was a sure way of ending my life. I felt totally isolated, hollow and hopeless. My life seemed totally empty and I thought that the world would be a better place without me, and I would be at peace.  It was only the doubt regarding the efficacy of the cliff plunge that stopped me. Would I die instantly, or would I compound my issues by being seriously disabled and not only useless, but a burden as well. From the outside everyone I knew thought I had it all, family, money, a successful career. From the inside I was desperate. 

After five hours I drove away.

“From my perspective, looking back, my wish to complete suicide was sort of inexplicable, but paradoxically equally logical. ”

To start with I was living a life that was bad for me, acting like a person who wasn’t really me. I had just let stuff mount up until I was drowning in stress, worry and confusion. I should have dealt with each little element that was burying me bit by bit… but I didn’t know how. I now have self-awareness and I’m mindfully in control of my emotions; I can monitor and regulate my feelings. 

As an experienced professional psychotherapist I would suggest a person experiencing something similar to the above should talk to anyone as soon as possible, ideally a qualified psychotherapist or counsellor. 

Shane Lutkin 

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