Years lost in anxious irritability and isolation.

After years of being emotionally lost I wanted to find the core of who I was in relation to being anxious, depressed and angry. I looked at my own personal timeline, searching for where my psychological confusion stemmed. 

I was a sensitive little boy, who was malleable, as he awkwardly attempted to socialize, but felt alienated and isolated by a very different family upbringing. My parents were truly unconventional. I was covered with contradictory conditioning by my mum, who made me confident, capable, optimistic, insular, judgemental, superior, dismissive and driven. My dad ignored me and for contrasting reasons and in different ways so did my mother. I developed a huge need within me to be recognized and praised, facilitating self-publicity.

From a unique bio-psychological foundation and conditioning I became a violent teenager, because of bullying, subsequent revolt, becoming a man, physically, at thirteen and living with a violent father. I gained empowerment.

In adulthood I became an assertive, aggressive and disconnected doer, who became relatively commercially successful and then exhausted, by working at a rate beyond my capabilities, in a lifestyle, which was to prove alien. 

“When asking, ‘who am I?’ scrutiny of hypothetical lifestyles were understandable. I could have lived so differently. ”

Experiencing depression, lack of cognition, anxiety and energy and a longing to return to what I had been, which paradoxically had made me ill, I became frustrated and vulnerable which eventually presented as hopelessness, apprehension and irascibility.  Pure chance introduced me to the study of theory of personality, talking therapy and psychology in general. This provided me with a platform from which to discover my visceral or true self and eventually sit easily with that. Eventually I developed a new way of being me. I had been isolated and I decided to examine my reintegration to coexistence with others and myself. 

“I dissected why I have moved into a state of ease and contentment. ”

I attempted to find out more about depression, anxiety and irritability; these things that have dominated my life; the attitudes, impacts and remedies, in relation to accepted social norms, if such boundaries exist, for people struggling emotionally. I discovered, that whilst initially thinking that psychological tension is apparent in universally recognisable segments, I now think uniqueness is a vital prevailing commonality of depressed, anxious and irritable people.

“During my studies I explored the relevance of my restorative journey. ”

Did what I had been through have meaningfulness, and potential usefulness for, others trapped in the domain of anxiety, low mood and worry? I realised that there might be the seed of a credible therapeutic model emerging from my story. The whole process of finding my true self and developing a new way of being has been great for me, but helping others has eased the melancholy I sometimes feel about those lost years.

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